As a birth mother, you never know when you will come across a trigger in your day; a scent, an item, a moment, a reminder of your grief.
May is that for me.
Every April marks another year since I chose adoption. Another year of choosing Christ as my daily savior– because the day was one in the same. Another year to our adoption anniversary of meeting her amazing family and God revealing His fingerprints within a beautiful story He wrote for us. April was my turning point and redeeming moment in my life. Yet, while I moved forward into May with a fresh hope that comes with spring, it also was the beginning of a new grief. The grief that my baby would not be with me much longer.
May reminds me every single day of what I felt when pregnant with Anna, knowing our time together was coming to a close. May was our last days of her being “just mine.” I didn’t have to share her, she was within me. I shared ultrasound photos and doctor updates, but I didn’t have to share her yet. Only I could feel her kicks and squirms. She and I shared nutrients and our hearts woven together in a mother-child love that can never be broken. I could selfishly enjoy every moment we had together for what time we had left. Of course, it wasn’t all enjoyable being hugely pregnant as a 4 foot 11 sixteen year old (and I skipped out on the last month of junior year in high school!) but I knew I needed to enjoy as much as I could.
I remember standing at my kitchen counter preparing myself lunch with the realization that I had to share her soon, within days. It was so bittersweet with the excitement of finally meeting her, holding her, seeing what she looked like, yet knowing she was going to go home with someone else. I still had peace that I was doing what was best for us, but there is no denying that adoption is hard, too. It is a grieving process. It always will be, though time and openness to watch her grow sure does help!
This time of the year the ache is a little more raw as I constantly reminisce on where we were years ago, what phase our adoption was in, how far along I was in my pregnancy. The Birth Mom Bud retreat every April/May always brings feelings up again as we share with one another. But this year, it is even more so as I am working on something AMAZING with Talk About Adoption (cannot wait to share it with you guys! You’re going to love it). It has required me to dig into feelings and my experience deeper so others can understand adoption and birth mothers more, which is a great thing, but also stirs up the dust settled into the Anna-sized hole in my heart. Plus, working on my book proposal. All the feels happening right now.
All that said, I still wouldn’t change a thing. With pain blossomed beauty and I am easily able to far more see the blessings and growth that has come from it. I am able to feel simultaneous peace and joy with the ache and sadness I feel from missing her.
That’s how I feel about May too, it is a complex mingling of joy and a heartache. The joy trumps all though because I get to see her sweet face very soon.